Hey! Long time! How are you doing?

Hi! Good to see you my friend! How am I doing, you ask? Ummm… let’s see. I usually wake up around seven to seven thirty in the morning. I would like to wake up earlier, do some exercise, take care of my body and mind. Have a healthy morning routine ideally. But I am quite lazy to be honest. I just wake up, brush, piss, shit, shower and get ready to go to work. I wear well-fitting branded clothes. A friend at work likes my choice of clothes and how I carry them. I have always been particular about looking nice in my clothes since I was a kid. But I could not afford branded clothes earlier. People may say that the fit, color and pattern of clothes are more important than the brand, and that your attitude matters more. But then don’t you think that once you can afford it, anything bought from a branded store seems to look better on you than the one you buy off a street market. I mean I always had the attitude but I think I look better now because I wear my clothes with the confidence that they are of expensive brands befitting my white-collar profession. Since they say that a lot can be said about a man from his shoes, I keep my shoes clean and polished as well to avoid judgements.  

As I wake up late and am lazy, I don’t have the time or will to make a nutritious breakfast or pack a filling lunch. Sometimes I make a toast and egg but, on most days, I skip breakfast. My mum keeps telling me not to do that and to eat well otherwise I would have to suffer like her in old age. I promise myself to follow her advice but I don’t. After I leave the mess of my apartment, I travel around one and half hours to reach my workplace. I take the metro every day. When I get on the train, pushing through the crowd, I rush to get a corner seat. It’s the best seat as you would agree. Many other smart asses try to do the same. Hence, it feels like a small victory every time I get one. During the forty-minute ride, I observe everyone sitting with their heads bowed respectfully to their phones. I prefer to read something motivational at this time. Something that would teach me the tools and techniques to alter the course of my life and find a meaning and purpose to my existence. I look around me and wonder if all these people have already learnt the techniques and are leading highly purposeful lives. Then someone turns up the volume of their phone while watching the news. I hear how the leader of a major political party is trying to get bail on medical grounds by eating mangoes in prison to raise his blood sugar level. Or that a certain actor got furious at the paparazzi for following her and not giving any privacy to her new born child. I don’t want to hear such garbage at the beginning of my day, in fact at any time of the day. I look around hoping that someone will grab the phone from this person and shove it down their throat. But no one does. They seem to be not bothered by it or lack the sensibility that it is not acceptable in public transport. Like really! They even announce on the PA system in the train that playing music is a punishable offense. I will only have to do it! After assessing the culprit and pondering over all possible scenarios of verbal confrontations and fistfights, I muster the courage to request the person with a politeness befitting a civilized member of society, to turn the volume down. Of course I don’t shove the phone down their throat! What were you thinking? They usually comply with my request but look at me with intense dislike or bewilderment. I believe I have done the right thing in making them aware of how to behave in public. I also wonder if I come across as a grouchy person who is out of sync with the times.

My teachers in school and college always believed that I would do well and achieve great heights. Being a bright student made them believe that. I believed in their belief and I think if they heard of me today, they would say that they predicted correctly. I work in a nice, air-conditioned office in an important location in the city. The job pays very well. There is free coffee, restaurant discounts, spa vouchers, hospital discounts. My room in the office does not have windows though. I would have liked that so I can see the trees or when it rains outside. But I guess it is best to avoid distractions at work. For aesthetics, in the corners and corridors, there are plants which can survive without sunlight. Many of my colleagues have created pretty work spaces for themselves by decorating their desks with plants, magnets, postcards and pictures of their loved ones. I wonder if tomorrow they are asked to leave, won’t it be difficult to strip all that and let go of their space? I keep my desk barren. So when the time comes, it will be easy to let go. Ha! Who am I fooling! The work is fine. I mean I don’t do anything to change the world or create any path-breaking innovation, but it is not bad. I make a lot of documents, presentations, and spreadsheets as per the demands of my superiors. I then make multiple changes to those documents, presentations, and spreadsheets as desired by them. Sometimes I spend several hours formatting the documents, changing the fonts, using smart art in the slides, making the borders thick, making the layout print friendly. We also have a lot of meetings where we say a lot of things we don’t mean or don’t intend to do or don’t even understand. I record minutes of these meetings where I note what each important person in the room said or implied or emphasized or didn’t. When I am bored, I take a break to check social media. Dog and cat videos. Memes. Then a reel comes up on how to seize the moments and days of your life. Then a message from my boss pops up in the work group asking if the document is ready after its tenth revision. I get back to do a grammar check on the document. My bosses are, however, not completely intolerable. They can be unreasonable, achieve levels of absurdity and stupidity never seen before, despite all that mankind has already seen, and have no idea of what they are talking about. But then who isn’t these days, right? They often tell me that I am too straightforward and that it is not always necessary to do actual work. Sometimes one needs to create illusions of success to make people believe that you are relevant. They are quite aware that I don’t think much of their lessons and my arrogance is a problem for them.

I, however, manage to navigate all of it quite well. I am appreciated for my work, diligence, and commitment, and if I display enough tact and subservience, I can expect a promotion soon. The other day we went for a team lunch at a highly rated Asian restaurant in an upscale neighborhood. We gossiped about other teams, cribbed about the government, exchanged recommendations for the latest shows and other stuff. My boss told me I don’t talk much and that I should be more open in my conversations. And I should smile more as I look good when I do. I told myself to smile more often in my conversations with my superiors. A few days later I was told that it is our job to be available 24×7 to take their calls or meet work requirements. I did not smile at that.

I have some nice friends at work. They like and care about me and always tell me to chill out more. I try to follow their advice. I go out with them occasionally for expensive coffee or meals in fancy restaurants. I can afford expensive coffee now that I earn well. Isn’t that what we always dreamt of when we survived on cheap food in college canteens? To walk through the doors of the best fine dining restaurants in the city and order any item on the menu without looking at the price. And just like clothes, isn’t it almost obligatory to go to expensive restaurants to have expensive meals once you earn enough to afford them? Have you ever gone back to eat at the low-end restaurants you used to eat at before you got a job or during a job when you didn’t earn enough? You don’t enjoy eating there anymore, right? The same food which you loved so much for years doesn’t taste great anymore, or feels unhygienic. So gourmet coffee and meals at cozy cafes for me now.

I also take my parents to upscale restaurants every now and then. They, however, eat very little now as they have their health issues like most old people. But it still feels good when I use my credit card and my mum proudly tells my father that her beloved child is paying the bill. We also went abroad last year for a vacation. I funded most of the expenses. It was a nice trip. We didn’t do any activities. While my mum has more enthusiasm than me, it gets restrained by arthritis. My dad is too tired and not that keen on going anywhere. He was happy sipping beer by the pool. Still, we visited some attractions as recommended by travel websites. We went to take in the view of the city from the fifty second floor of an ugly glass building. It was nice but the tickets were obscenely expensive, half of my salary a few years ago. But after all, why did I work past midnight to make that presentation with eighty slides in which we did not go beyond twenty slides during the actual meeting? So that my mum and I can enjoy the view. We took a lot of pictures during the trip. My mum uploaded them on her social media and received a lot of likes. She is very cool unlike me.

After work I again take the one and half hour’s journey back home. At times while entering the darkness of my apartment in the evening, I feel like a ghost returning to its haunt. I wash the dishes, clean the kitchen, and take a shower. I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. My work friends tell me how I am defying ageing, which is true as you can see for yourself. Then I see the greying beard, strands of white hair shamelessly hiding amidst the black on my head, the dullness of my skin, the dark patches below my eyes. Signs that I am slowly moving towards the other side of Time. Maybe I should get that collagen night cream and the vitamin C serum. Or maybe I should just smile more. But somehow, I need to maintain the illusion. I take out my food cooked the previous day or day before, from the refrigerator. I usually cook enough to last for two or three days. Don’t roll your eyes. I am lazy as I already told you. The food tastes fine as I cook well. Come over some day to taste my cooking. Of course I will cook fresh food for you! Stop being sarcastic, will you?

After dinner, I again kill time browsing the net. I read a book sometimes, maybe two or three pages. I find it difficult to read these days. Reduced attention spans and all as they say. I turn off the lights at a reasonable hour, usually around eleven. I keep four or five pillows on the bed to fill the emptiness. Sleep evades me though. It remains distant like the women you so passionately wanted but never had. I stare at the shadows on the window formed by the streetlight outside. My thoughts are often interrupted by different noises in the night. The blood suckers humming their latest jazz composition. The pigeons adjusting on their perch on the window sill. The rat trying to cut through the kitchen sink pipe to enter my den and feast on my remains. The monotone of water drops dripping from the bathroom tap. I get up to scare away the rat or tighten the tap. I do this four or five times in the night two or three hours after I turn off the lights. I think of the multiple changes in the documents I was working on during the day. I tell myself to call the plumber on the weekend. During the winters, there is also the noise of silence in the night. Have you ever heard it? Like dense fog on a moor, it engulfs you and can suffocate you if you are caught unawares. The silence of the cold wind creeping into the room from beneath the door and settling on your blanket. The rat waiting in the darkness of the drain to come back. The water drop slowly growing to ultimately detach itself and disappear. The silence of her words asking to kiss her neck and tell her boring, mundane things. The silence of life slipping by. The night excruciatingly waiting to turn into dawn. After a long wait, I finally fall into the abyss. The silence before the alarm goes off and I wake up late.

By the way, apologies for all the meanderings. What were you asking me? How am I doing? I am doing quite well. You must imagine me happy! How about you? How are you doing?